Shaping What We've Become
by Kamitose
Summary: Rated PG-13 for future chapters. 2 part fic starting with a narrative POV from Wesley. Takes place between season 4's Release and Orpheous. WesFred. Character Siring. COMPLETE
1. Wesley: Hands Unclean

**Title:** Shaping What We've Become  
  
**Author:** Alicia "Kamitose" Hackney  
  
**Summary:** Fred murdered Professor Seidel, Angelus finds out, and now everything's changed. Wesley/Fred fic. Character siring.  
  
**Rating:** PG-13  
  
**Disclaimer:** None of the characters mentioned in this piece of fiction belong to me. They belong to the cast and crew of Angel, especially Joss Whedon and David Greenwalt, Mutant Enemy (Grrr-Arg!) and Fox.  
  
**Distribution:** As long as I am credited, and as long as you ask (and let me know once it's posted) then I don't care where its distributed. **BUT** you have to ask. You can email me at  
  
**Author's Note:** This takes place between the season 4 episodes Release and Orpheus. The fic is really two parts. A Narrative from Wesley and Fred, each their own respective telling of the same chain of events. Chapter 1 is Wesley's POV and Chapter 2 will be Fred's. This is my first time writing a fic of this sort. Also, I probably won't be able to finish Grasping for Control. Sorry guys, but I can assure you that I WILL finish this one. So anyway, on with Shaping What We've Become.  
  
She is a murderer.  
  
There is no proper, no delicate, no sugar-coated way of wording it. Winifred Burkle is a murderer and it is all because I couldn't be the voice of reason and tell her it was wrong. That makes me an accomplice to the murder. Not because I didn't stop her. No, because I helped her do it.  
  
We plotted the whole thing over some Guinness, and now, there is blood on both our hands...  
  
This was merely the first building block in the downward spiral that has been shaping what we've become. Two darkened souls synonymous with all that is grey in this world. Only her's is shifting into the darker ends, quite possibly bordering on black, while mine generally stays in a stasis of neutral, morally ambiguous, grey.  
  
It is her black that worries me.  
  
That night that she murdered Professor Seidel was the night that her wide-eyed innocence was also killed. This I fear I should take the blame for as I was the one who encouraged it while my better judgment lied idle. Or maybe I wanted her to be in the darkness with me. Either way, _I_ brought her down. That is all that there is to it. I brought the love of my life down to my deplorable level.  
  
And even now I can't help but wonder if my lack of good judgment is was brought us both to this current situation. Part of me screams for this to be just some strange delusion brought on from one too many rounds of whiskey. That she is still the sweet Southern Belle with a penchant for all things science and math and an insatiable appetite. Another part of me knows that this perversion that stands before me is not only real but partially my doing. That part is tearing at me. And yet the part that really gets me, is the part of me that longs for this perversion before me. That craves it. That part of me scares me beyond words.  
  
And she knows it.  
  
The insatiable appetite is still there. But its a new and different kind of hunger. This hunger I can not take credit for. I did not do this to her. I would certainly never even _dream_ of letting anything like this happen to her. But it did. And I wasn't there to stop it, not that I could if I was there... but I would have tried. That's what matters right? No. Nothing matters because nothing will change the outcome. She's been touched by an angel.  
  
And the Latin for angel is Angelus.  
  
Angelus, how I have come to loathe that name. That name and all the damnation that follows it around.  
  
I wonder what name she will take now that she's been... taken from the fold.  
  
It's really not all that uncommon for a vampire to change their names after they are sired. After all, a name is what identifies us as who we are. To have no name is to have an identity. To lose a name and take a new one is to become anew. Its not a practice strictly reserved for the undead. When a woman marries they lose their last name and takes that of her intended. Thus shedding who she was and starting anew with her new name and life. If only it were that innocent in all cases.  
  
I can't help but wonder, as I watch her pace about the room, had the actions we took that night been different. Had she not come over. Had she taken Gunn up on his offer of hot coacoa and comfort. Had I said no.  
  
No... I hate that word. Every time it is uttered it closes a door. I should have closed the door that night. Should have locked it too.  
  
Now that I really think about it, she isn't pacing the room at all. She's stalking it, like a cat. A sleek cat. A deadly cat playing mind games with the mouse. Looks like I'm the mouse.  
  
Maybe Father was right. I am useless. A failure to all those around me. Everything I touch turns to fodder in my hands. Everything...  
  
And now she is in front of me. This anticipation is killing me. She is drawing nearer to touch me and I can feel her breath on my neck. She doesn't need to breathe, is she doing this to humour me?  
  
I'm going to close my eyes now and wait for the embrace to occur. Go with the tide and let things take their course. I chose to keep this door open after all.  
  
_"Isn't this what you wanted?"_  
  
She asks me such a terrible question. She even has her mind games down to a science...  
  
And of course, I want to say yes, and yet every ounce of my being is screaming no. My blood screams it.  
  
And yet I do nothing and I can feel her incisors penetrate the delicate skin of my neck, right where my scar of betrayal lies. And all I can do is wait. And stare. And fail.  
  
Oh Fred... what have I done?  
  



	2. Fred: Arpeggios

**Title:** Shaping What We've Become  
  
**Chapter 2:** Fred: Arpeggios  
  
**Author:** Alicia "Kamitose" Hackney  
  
**Summary:** Fred murdered Professor Seidel, Angelus finds out, and now everything's changed. Wesley/Fred fic. Character siring.  
  
**Rating:** PG-13  
  
**Disclaimer:** None of the characters mentioned in this piece of fiction belong to me. They belong to the cast and crew of Angel, especially Joss Whedon and David Greenwalt, Mutant Enemy (Grrr-Arg!) and Fox.  
  
**Distribution:** As long as I am credited, and as long as you ask (and let me know once it's posted) then I don't care where its distributed. **BUT** you have to ask.  
  
**Author's Note:** This takes place between the season 4 episodes Release and Orpheus. The fic is really two parts. A Narrative from Wesley and Fred, each their own respective telling of the same chain of events. Chapter 1 was Wesley's POV and Chapter 2 is Fred's. This is my first time writing a fic of this sort. Also, I probably won't be able to finish Grasping for Control. Sorry guys, but I can assure you that I WILL finish this one. So anyway, on with Shaping What We've Become.  
  
---------------------------------  
  
I am a murderer.  
  
Ever since I pulled the trigger on the crossbow and let that arrow fly into Seidel's neck I've been a murderer. And from that moment on something in me changed. I became someone else. Someone new. And the part I never told anyone... was that I liked it.  
  
I don't know why I did. Maybe it was because, for once in my life I felt _free_. I finally had control over my own life. No more helpless Fred who needs rescuing. I proved I could hold my own. They all saw it too. And Charles never even told them that I had done it.  
  
I remember the look in his eyes when he walked in and saw what I had done. The fear, the pain. Delicious. If only I could have a picture of that moment...  
  
At least Wesley wasn't so shocked. Nothing really shocks that man anymore. Getting under his skin would be tough except for one thing...  
  
I know how he looks at me. I know he longs to touch me. His heart beats in arpeggios whenever I'm around. Its doing it now as I watch him from across the room. I think I'll tease him a bit more. Maybe add a bit more sway in my step.  
  
I could make that boy putty in my hands. I could make him mine forever... lover and child. I doubt he'd fight it.  
  
Yet I did. It all happened so fast. I was in Angel's office and I remember hearing a noise and then there was something solid and hard against my back... probably the wall. And him... sneering... always sneering. I remember him saying something about black being a good color for me. That I belonged in darkness... always in darkness...  
  
Then of course there was the pain. The movies always portray it as this sexual exhilaration for both the vampire and the victim... bull shit. It hurt. Really bad. I can't remember pain quite like the pain he caused.  
  
And it wasn't just the physical pain... it was that again my control was stripped from me. I **hate** that. But I didn't linger on that thought for long... couldn't. I passed out...  
  
I died.  
  
Came to in some dark sewer tunnel. If one thing Angel and Angelus shared in common it was the scurrying about in tunnels like rats... heh, Charles always hated rats. More than any monster. Monsters like the Beast. Monsters like Angelus.  
  
Monsters like me.  
  
Angelus made me a monster like him. A beautiful, eternal, dead thing. He sent me back to the hotel, bruised and battered as to not raise suspicions of my new state. I had them convinced that I narrowly escaped death by running to a nearby church and hiding there until day.  
  
And they believed me. Why wouldn't they? I mean, I'm just sweet, little Fred right? Sweet, little, brilliant, insane, murderer from Texas.  
  
There was blood on my hands before I was even sired. And only two people knew that... sorry, three. Angelus figured it out. He's not stupid. That's why he sired me. Because of my darkness. Because I was capable of killing.  
  
Wesley looks tortured in his little chair in the corner. I enjoy watching him. So handsome and strong. And those eyes. I could drown in them forever. Soon that won't be a problem.  
  
Wesley and I, we have this thing... its weird really. We often don't need words to communicate. It's like we have reading each other's body language down to a science. Like now I know he's thinking of what happened since the murder. He's probably blaming himself for it too. _I was too weak to stop her. I should have told her no._ He's probably thinking that right now. It's all in his eyes.  
  
I love his eyes. I love science too. Science can tell us about so many things. Tell us how every thing works. Puts the world in a certain order. In science you get to name things. Naming gives you power over something. Gives you control. I learned that from Wesley.  
  
They found me out. Pure mishap really. I got sloppy. Hummed a ditty. Lorne was in earshot and picked it up right away. Just my luck that the first time in the last 2 days his empathy powers worked it had to be when _I_ sang.  
  
So they knew. They all looked shocked... except Wesley. Wesley looked defeated. Those eyes of his told me so. He blames himself for this as well. Blame, blame, blame. Blame games get old after awhile. I should tell him that some time.  
  
I remember them scrambling for weapons and crosses. I remember Lorne trying to get to someplace safe. I remember Conner not hesitating to grab a weapon. He eyed the taser... silly hell-spawn. The taser is my toy. He of all people should have known that. And I remember Gunn readying his crossbow rig, shaking a bit, biting his lip. The look on his face was pretty damn close to the look he had after he walked in on my crime.  
  
And Wesley just stared into space. He normally would have fought to save me from this fate... but he had lost Lilah just days before... he probably felt he had lost _everything_. And I remember managing to escape the hotel... and take Wesley with me.  
  
Of course it happened so fast that they probably didn't realize what had happened until it was done.  
  
I remember just earlier that day I had been putting my charms on him. Choosing my words carefully to lure him in. I told him that I forgave him for banging the Lilah-bitch. He was surprised that I worded it that way... and more so that I forgave him. I made him think more than once that I was going to kiss him, then I pulled away. Taunting him is fun. Makes his eyes sparkle then dim.  
  
I like watching their metamorphosis. Its like watching stars twinkle and fade in the black sky.  
  
And now I pull the curtains closed. The stars have seen too much as is. This is our moment. No one else can share this. It belongs to Wesley and me.  
  
I'm leaning over him now, with on hand on his strong chest and the other on the back of his neck. I tease him a bit with a feigned breath. It humours me to feel his goosebumps.  
  
I know he'll close his eyes. That part saddens me a bit. I can't see them dance if they're closed.  
  
I shift into my demon face and prepare for the embrace.  
  
"Isn't this what you wanted?" I ask him.  
  
What a terrible question for me to ask. I know the answer. He knows it to. And yet he does not respond. He only gives in and allows me to damn him as I pierce his jugular with my fangs.  
  
His blood is warm. And I feel new again. But now he feels old, and limp. So I slit my wrist with my fang and make him drink. He doesn't resist. Angelus says they rarely do.  
  
He is dying now. I killed him. And for the second time I am a murderer once more. But tomorrow night he'll wake up. And we can both be new together.  
  
And so the fates have been shaping what we've become. And I will take a new name... but I want Wesley to pick it. It's only fair. I'm giving him what he wants after all.  
  
Oh Fred... what have you done... 


End file.
